Drink from the
furry cup

Figures released yesterday show that visitors to the Earths Core have been far fewer than was estimated at the beginning of the year. The Earths Core was opened up to tourists at the beginning of the year as a special attraction for the millennium and was expected to be a major crowd puller. However this figures show what some analyst suspected all along, that nobody is interested in seeing the centre of the Earth.

Recently a survey asked the public why they were not visiting the Earths Core. It found that the main reasons given were the distance, the average temperature of five thousand degrees centigrade and the fact that there is no McDonalds down there.

Mrs Sheila Smith visited the Core recently with her family and told of her experience. “We were very disappointed, other than look at all the molten metal there was very little to do there. The kids found it particularly dull. Also the fact that we all suffered sever burning has put us off the idea of returning.”

The project to open up the earth core has been plagued with troubles since its conception. There were great worries that the access hole would not have been dug on time and the entrance lift frequently broke down. It has also suffered from bad publicity recently when a visitor died last month. The dead man, whose name is Robert Polsen got out of the lift too early and fell almost the entire four thousand miles to the Core.

In an attempt to boost visitor the company that runs the attraction will be starting a new advertising campaign in the next month. The advert is aimed at children in the hope that they might persuade there parents to choose the Earth Core as the destination for their summer holiday. The advert will feature annoying pop group S Club 7 and no doubt a lot of crap Sexual innuendo about reaching their core.

Talentless

Also to help with cost and to try to make up the potential loss that the Earths Core is currently running ticket prices will be raised from 20 per person per day to 2000 for half an hour.

It has long been common knowledge by those in parliamentary circles, that the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, is an avid Pokemon trainer. The Prime Minister, seen below, often consults with his favourite Pokemon “Pikachu”, on important matters of state.

Tony Blair and Pikachu at a recent conference.

Since the Prime Minister’s victory over former Pokemon Master “Major” several years ago, his position as Chief Pokemon Trainer has been left unchallenged. However, with so many rogue trainers in the British House of Commons, it was only a matter of time until he was challenged again.

Yesterday, Prime Minister’s question time was abruptly interrupted, when the Leader of the Conservative opposition, William Hague, leapt into the air and drew a PokeBall.

Flinging the PokeBall high into the air, he shouted “Portillo - I call you”. With a blinding flash of light the

Michael Portillo Pokemon leap from his PokeBall. The Prime Minister Tony Blair was quick to react - launching one of his own PokeBalls into the air whilst yelling, “Gordon Brown - I call you “. The much feared Gordon Brown Pokemon

appeared with a thunderclap. “Let battle commence” screamed the Prime Minister; the two Pokemon instantly leapt towards each another.

Brown attacked first with his Increase Spending attack; sending thousands of pound coins hurtling toward the other Pokemon. Portillo countered with his unique Budget Cuts attack, with forks of lightning smashing Brown to the floor… Brown then sprinted across to the Speaker’s chair, backflipped into it, and used his special I want to be Prime Minister fire-ball attack. Portillo was unprepared for this, and was hit straight on; engulfing him in a blazing inferno. Once the flames and smoke had subsided, a charred Portillo lay defeated at Brown’s feet. William Hague recalled his humiliated Pokemon back to it’s PokeBall, and cast a vengeful stare at the triumphant Tony Blair. The House of Commons erupted in applause and several minutes passed before order was restored by Betty Boothroyd.

Tony Blair celebrates his victory with his wife.

Tony Blair later told us “I never believed that the upstart Hague had a chance, his training methods are weak, and his Pokemon moral low. I hope he will now accept me as the Ultimate Pokemon Trainer”.

We at DFTTC has been stunned by the appearance of what can only be described as concrete evidence of time travel. An article entitled “Time Machine Destroyed” mysteriously appeared on our servers with an attached date of 17th January 2002. This article is reproduced on the main page in exactly the same form as it first appeared.

What all this means is anyone’s guess, but we are determined to get to the bottom of it. One thing that can be confirmed is that none of the editorial team composed the article (including myself, to whom the article is attributed). Hoffin Bigman elaborates: “It was definitely not on our server when we all went down the pub‡, but by the time we came back, there it was”.

We are now on our lookout for any evidence to back up this amazing story, and when we find it, you will see it here first…

‡ Admittedly about twenty minutes after we came into work that morning.

Crime figures released today showed that crime in the City of Dis has reached an all time high. Dis, located within the Lower levels of Hell (not to be confused with the similarly named Diss in Suffolk) has always been a haven for crime and depravity, but recently it has escalated to previously undreamed levels.

We spoke to Mr James Henry Moore (1356-1385): “The situation is abysmal down here. I mean one expects the eternal torture and punishment for the sins one committed in life, but it’s got to the point where you turn your back for two minutes and someone will steal all your stuff”.

The announcement was made by the demon Versarvaal who is in charge of maintaining law and order within Dis. Well, not really maintaining law and order but just making sure that there is the proper lack of it. “These crime figures came as a complete surprise to us” commented Versarvaal. “Although I would like to point out that once again nobody got murdered in Dis in the last year” …which of course could be linked to the fact that the entire population is already dead.

Versarvaal is currently also working as an extra on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

The dark lord has promised a new harder line against new offenders. “Punishment of minor crimes has always been a problem in Dis” Versarval told us. “A couple of years in prison is an extremely minor punishment compared to the eternity of torture and agony that they’re already suffering. The new punishment will involve sending them to the wood of suicides. A couple of weeks around those miserable bastards should sort them out.”

Erin (1765BC - 1743BC), a long time resident of Dis told us of his memories of the old days. “A couple of thousand years ago Dis was a really nice city. Well, relatively speaking. Lately it has been going even further downhill than it was already. It’s also getting really crowded; it’s as if nobody ever moves out. I blame that Dante. It all really started going wrong after he wandered through here.”

Dis in the good old days

We spoke to Robert Polsen (1952 -1999) a recent arrival at the city who is one of the sinners who have been accused of the recent crimes. “Well it’s something to do, isn’t it? Hell is really boring in the evenings and you need to find some way to entertain yourself.”

Satan was unavailable for comment although he did announce in a statement that he was very disappointed by the figures and was looking into a process of urban renewal that might calm things down. He also took the time to plug his son’s Greatest Hits CD.

Today Cosmetics company Proctor and Gamble announced the new face for there Oil of Olay skin moisturiser adverts.

There previous model Lucy Martinez had to be replaced after she mysteriously numerous skin blemishes.

The new model has been revealed to be Queen Sensbtisi an Egyptian who died around 1785 BC who was mummified and later dug up by archaeologists in 1920. She is currently residing in the British Museum.

John Carpenter a sales executive at Proctor and Gamble explained their unusual choice “We did a little research into Egyptian embalming methods. We found that by some weird coincidence the chemicals they used in the embalming fluid were identical to those we use in Oil of Olay skin moisturiser. The quality of her skin after all this time shows the excellence of our product”. We asked Mr Carpenter how the company were going to avoid being sued when that explanation is revealed to be bollocks. “Well we believe all of her embalmers have been dead for about four thousandyears so it is unlikely that they’ll pursue legal action”.

Queen Sensbtisi was chosen for the part after the company did extensive research through the British Museum. “The search for the perfect model was a long and extensive” Carpenter told us “It took us almost an entire morning to wander around that museum, my feet were killing me”.

Queen Sensbtisi lived during a relatively quiet period for the Egyptian empire. She thought a few minor wars and quenched a few minor uprisings before dying a the tender age of just twenty-three when she accidentally, brutally stabbed herself to death. It is unlikely that she could have dreamt that four thousand years later she would become a famous model.

We contacted the British Museum to see if we could get an interview with the queen. They however informed us that the Queen was unavailable for comment due to the fact she was dead. When we persisted they told us to F☣☣k off.

Some children’s charities have expressed concern over the adverts. Mrs Doreen Walker from some dull group told us “Queen Sensbtisi had her brain dragged out of her nose with an iron hook and placed in a jar. Its possible that young girls who want to be like her will try to copy her”.

The advert will premier in May and will feature the Queen although it has been revealed that her looks will be slightly enhanced by a computer.

The Queen after slight digital enhancement

After a quick survey around the DFTFC office over who more attractive Queen Sensbtisi or Lucy Martinez. The vote came out five to one in favour of Ms Martinez with only Chillibear voting for Sensbtisi, but then he always did have a strange taste in women.

In a controversial move this morning the Pope announced that as of this year, the date of Christmas will be moved forward from the traditional date of December 25th to December 18th.

The Pope: drunk again.

Cardinal Joshua Elgars explained the reason for this change to us “The Pope received a message directly from Christ our Saviour saying that he’s absolutely sick to death on having his birthday on the same day asChristmas. “

It is well known that the church has been concerned about this for a long time. It seems that is in recent years that with all the excitement of the presents, turkeys and Queens speeches that are associated with Christmas a lot of people seem to have been completely forgetting to go to church to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. “Its very understandable” Elgars told us “We all get a little excited on Christmas day I can see how it is very easy for some people to completely forget to go to Church.”

It turns out though that people not singing Happy Birthday is not entirely the motivation for Christ’s announcement. “It all comes down to presents” Jesus explained to us. “When your birthday is on Christmas people only buy you one present a year and some people are so cheap these days. Some people like Gabriel are all right but that Saint Peter is such a cheap bastard. If he doesn’t get me something decent this year Im going to shove that gate up his arse.”

Jesus: really pissed off this time.

We asked Jesus why he felt he shouldn’t have his birthday on Christmas when everyone born on December 18th now will. “Well I don’t remember any of them dying for all mankind’s sins” He pointed out. “I thinkyou lot owe me this at least”.

The effects of moving Christmas forwards is suspected to have wide reaching consequences. Mainly that shops will have to start stocking Christmas decorations from the middle of August now rather than just December as before.

Mrs Joyce Martins of Swindon told us her views of the change, “I think its terrible news. This means I have a week less to do my Christmas shopping in and its April already. Ill never get it done in time.”

The church is already preparing for what it expects to be record attendances. “This should be a great year” said Cardinal Elgars “I mean what reason do people have for not going now”.