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ITV’s popular morning chat show was today revealed to be actually real. The shock news came at a news conference held by one Miss X. a runner for the top rated show.

Miss X, whose name cannot be revealed due to lack of imagination, revealed that the parade of insipid and socially inept individuals on the show every morning are in fact genuine people who of their own free will walk in off the streets of this country un-guarded and without hindrance. Miss X said, “I know it sounds unlikely but they don’t just make this shit up. These are real people. Not actors like on Jerry Springer”.

Amongst the many parties up in arms about these allegations was the ITC. Who later commented, via a spokesperson: “We are taking these claims very seriously and we are distressed that people could take advantage of any television program in such a way. It seems unlikely that these people, many of whom seem to be genuinely intellectually deficient, could be real, but we must look into these claims as we look into all claims”.

The “Trisha” show, hosted by some dozy bird, shot to the top of the ratings when it began airing six months ago. At that time it was assumed that the insane losers and wasters must all be actors as no self respecting country would allow people to be shown on television daily before 9pm, let alone be allowed to propagate back into society. However Miss X’s evidence apparently indicates otherwise.

She commented, “There was this bloke, right? And he beat his wife up and she was saying she still loved him, then there were these people with buckteeth and acne that wanted to be strippers and a bloke with three heads. I met them all and they turned out to be actual people. They weren’t pretending…. except the bloke with three heads. He was just stupid.”

shock - Jerry Springer uses actors...

This shock revelation comes hot on the heels of the erm…revelation that many of the guests on the popular American show, “Jerry Springer” had been paid to fake fights and in many cases had been actors. The ITC commented that this was “perfectly acceptable” and that “People expect this kind of behaviour, after all they have been doing it on CNN for years”.

A new craze is sweeping drug culture in the UK. Clubbers are now turning to Cyanide to keep their bits up on a good night out. Club culture has been renown ever since its existence to be closely associated with drugs; you just have to listen to the music to realise that.

The new drug on the streets

Its rumoured to have started in the early nineteenth century when a French general (who cannot be named for legal reasons) discovered that while listening to a Bach concerto if he sniffed the solvent that held his medals together then the music sounded well trippy. This carried through to the twentieth century and where ever there were discotheques there were people taking drugs. Up to the end of the 90’s ecstasy became as popular a part of clubland as glow-sticks, particularly with multinational companies such as Mitsubishi cashing in on it. The newest addition to these trendy drugs is Cyanide.

Discoverer of trippy music

Philip Gaugh, a clubber from London explains to us the appeal of Cyanide: “It’s like a whole evening thing and Cyanide just tops it off perfectly. You start the evening at home with your mates, smoke a joint, get mellow, then go onto a pub and have a few vodka’s and caffeine stimulant, then pop a pill, go to a banging club and that gets you going real nice. The night may have been really mental but the pills always give you a downer and this is when the Cyanide come into play and it totally saves you from all that shit.”

Cyanide first became fashionably in the 1940’s, especially with the British secret army, but very quickly other drugs became more popular. It would now seem that this volatile drug is coming back into fashion.

Clive Bowen, a chemical specialist from the University of Hull, explained the dangers of Cyanide: “The kids are going into ‘Night Clubs’ and taking Ecstasy but are also taking this Cyanide to relieve them of the side effects. The trouble is that Cyanide is a very dangerous drug and there are many cases of deaths from it though no exact figures have been found due to a lot of secret use in the past. However, Cyanide works by completely shutting the body down so the brain can no longer feel any ‘down’ affects from the Ecstasy. This phenomena is scientifically known as death.”

We can safely say this new super drug is as dangerous as any other though no specific side affect have been confirmed. It’s just another name in a long list for your kids to be aware of.

DFTFC were startled to learn this morning that the earth had been consumed by fire. We were tipped off to this story by a reliable source we found sleeping in the gutter outside our office doorway.

Artists impression of the Earth

It was at approximately 4 o’clock this morning that the Earth, our home for so many years was destroyed by a disaster of apocalyptic dimensions. An asteroid approximately 3 miles in diameter plunged into the Southern Hemisphere of the Earth sending giant shockwaves around the globe, these ignited fires throughout the world and within 10 hours the Earth was left a burnt and tattered wreck, devoid of all life.

We interviewed a few people to try to get an idea of how this disaster will be impacting on our everyday lives.

“Well I don’t see it having too greater impact on my lifestyle, I mean providing that the resulting panic doesn’t clog up the streets and roads I think my life should be pretty much as normal.”

“I think that the destruction of the Earth, err - which you say happened this morning - would really screw up my day, in fact I don’t think I’d be able to live my life normally after I was consumed in flames.”

Well what will become of us is the question on everybody’s lips. How will we survive the destruction of our beloved planet, but do not fear for DFTFC will continue to report on the issues as they surface, and we vow not to let anything stand in the way of the truth.

This news post later followed this story…

Okay we can admit a mistake a much as the next man, and as some of you may have begun to notice by now the Earth has not in fact been consumed by fire as was reported ChilliBear last Sunday. It was a honest mistake, and we didn’t mean to cause the mass panic and destruction of twenty three minor countries that occurred around the world.

…whoops!…

Well on with brighter things… at last we have a new Eye Candy review up. This also seems like a good time to remind people who haven’t visited our vast archive of old stories to go and do so, after all we have over 70 stories in there.

Note: This report was initially written by Spunk Monkey, and has since been respectfully edited by Sean the Irish Bastard

DFTFC would like to apologise to the families of the Late Ms Yates and the later Michael Hutchence (and just in case, the early Bob Geldof) for the tastelessness and inappropriateness of this story, which has now been appropriately edited for public consumption.

Spunk Monkey has been suitably reprimanded for his aggressive journalism.

Paying the price of insensitivity

In the recent Conservative Party conference a lot of fuss was made about the Tories pledge to lower taxes and raise public spending if they came to power. Many commentators have suggested that this plan would leave a ten billion budget deficit and have queried where this money would come from. A DFTFC source working deep within the BBC has managed to leak a secret report to us. The spy, whose identity we must keep secret but will be know by the pseudonym BiliChear, told us that the Tories plan were actually very simple. They plan to rewrite the fundamentals of mathematics.

William Hague: Was frequently beaten up at school.

Under the new system one plus one will now equal three. Two plus two will equal five and so on. This will ensure that every pound paid in tax will go further.

There will also be no way in differentiating between positive and negative values. Research carried out by the Conservative has found that the public’s view of negative numbers is very unenthusiastic, so they will be abolished to promote a more enthusiastic view of the economy.

Finally any number over one hundred will now be referred to as ‘Lots’. This will prevent the general public from having to worry about the trivial details of financial policies. So for example from now on fuel tax will just be set at ‘Lots’, the national debt is ‘Lots’ and the Queen Mother is ‘Lots’ of years old.

An example of the new system might be that in one month unemployment may change from ‘Lots’ to ‘Lots’ in an undeterminable direction by the value of ‘Lots’.

We asked Conservative Party leader William Hague if he felt that this new system might lead to an air of confusion over the countries economics? Mr Hague replied “Well we certainly hope so”

DFTFC asked Gordon Brown the minister of something or another what he thought of the Tories plan. “Shit, I wish we thought of that first” was his simple and eloquent answer.

Scientists of the University of Bournemouth have discovered what could be a major scientific breakthrough on the way to finding a cure for cancer. The scientists made a study of men over the age of 85 with no history of any form of cancer to find out how they avoided the disease. The study showed that the best way to prevent cancer is by whistling.

Robert Stemmons

The scientists discovered that all cancerous cells are hyper sensitive to high pitch noises. The test proved that 97% of the old men in the study whistled on a regular basis and the other 3% were just hearing ‘feedback’ from their faulty hearing aids.

We went to speak to one of the experts, Dr John Norton.

DFTFC: Dr Norton, could you tell us how you discovered this amazing new treatment?

Dr John Norton: My colleagues and I looked for many years to find what was the common feature with the Granddads we tested. We looked at health, diet, daily routine, everything but came up with no obvious similarities. We were about to give up when, one day, our secretary, Frances, noticed that when sitting in the waiting room nearly all of the men would whistle.

At this point we were desperate so from that day we monitored all the noise around the test subjects. We recorded some of the whistling and played it back to some cancerous cells and discovered that it had a numbing affect on them. From our experiments we have concluded that if these cells are exposed to annoying high pitched noise for at least two hours a day then the cancer cell is permanently numbed and the cancer can not grow.

DFTFC: Thank you Dr Norton and are you sure your not that doctor bloke from Star Trek?

Dr John Norton: Err… No of course not, I err just wear this uniform to look the part at work.

Although this is great news for preventing the spread of cancer without radiation therapy, even the Bournemouth scientists are a long way from finding a cure.

It would seem that doctors and pharmacists are sticking with the current trend of hippie alternative medicines, convincing the patients that the mind is better than the drugs. DFTFC put this to the test. We took an ordinary member of the public a Mr Tony Chair and trained him to block out pain, even when we stabbed him in the leg with a rusty iron lawnmower blade. The experiment was a success, Mr Chair felt little pain and unfortunately, without any attention his leg went gangrenous and had to be amputated. Fortunately he signed sufficient documents so he can’t sue us.

DFTFC will continue to wait for some pharmacist somewhere to invent a drug that will make us intelligent and witty, in the mean time we’ll stick to the animal nitrate.