Drink from the
furry cup

Refuse collectors in South London were shocked to discover the snoozing form of former Rainbow guru Geoffrey Hayes inside a stinking wheelie bin in the smelly suburb of Hanworth.

Rainbow star Geoffrey Hayes in the good old days

Binman John Thirtle, 43, says “I was just about to okay tipping the bin, when I heard this snoring noise”. Paul and fellow worker Richard Robinson, 27 then pulled open the bin to discover the sleeping Geoffrey on top of constituent refuse, still clutching an empty bottle in a brown paper bag.

When Hayes’ Rainbow contract was terminated in 1992, his fast-living life to that point had left him with very little savings, and he was forced to take on a full time job stocktaking in Sainsbury’s Hampton Hill superstore.

“We spent all our money on drugs, didn’t we?” said Hayes in 1994, “Bungle used to get this really strong shit from his Rastafarian mate in Teddington, and we’d just go into town and get high all the time.”

Geoffrey and Bungle prepare for a wild night out - 1981

Geoffrey was last seen towards the end of 1995, by which time he was now working in a Fish and Chip shop in the Twickenham area. Rumours circulating at the time said that Geoffrey was sacked after shouting at a customer that “no they didn’t do sausages without bloody batter!”.

We went down to Middlesex to try and get an interview with Geoffrey. The council put us in contact with the binmen, and we called John Thirtle on his mobile phone. He gave us some details, and the address where the flaxen haired 70s children’s Icon’s bin was to be found.

Fortunately, Geoffrey was “at home”, and woke up when tapped on the head with a tablespoon. “I kn-know you… “ Geoffrey said in his distinctive tones, “Cook. Y-you’re C-Cook”. Y-You’re my best f-friend, you are…” We explained who we were, to which the old drunk replied: “I-I’m not normally… i-in bed by the time the b…binmen come”. Geoffrey then threw up over Spunk-Monkey, who responded by punching him in the face. After that, Geoffrey made a lot more sense.

DFTFC: So where have you been for the last five years

GH: Oddbins.

DFTFC: What? The “off licence”, or do you mean “random bins”

GH: Both I think…

DFTFC: That figures… What about when Oddbins are closed.

GH: Oh there’s an all-nighter down the road.

DFTFC: Well, this is Hanworth.

GH: Is it? I thought this was Handsworth. I thought that’s why people kept setting me on fire.

DFTFC: Oh no, that’s probably because they blame you for Rod Jane & Freddy.

Popular children's stars; Rod Jane and Freddy

GH: Them again! Bastards! They’ve got it in for me…

DFTFC: How do you mean?

GH: Well they keep driving past in their little buggies and emptying their commodes out into my bin. Usually when I’m in it.

DFTFC: Don’t the people who live in this house here mind you staying in their wheelie bin? And attracting incontinent old has-beens to the neighbourhood?

GH: Naaah, Bungle and Zippy are very good to me.

DFTFC: Wait a minute - do you mean Bungle and Zippy live in the house?

GH: Oh yeah, ever since Zippy and George split up. Well you see Bungle always did have a thing for giant naked one-armed orange tortoises.

DFTFC: Yeah quite…

GH: Look, you couldn’t spare any change could you?

Zippy shows what he does best for Bungle

Spunk-Monkey then took out Geoffrey with a right hook. Popping into the house for a moment, we had a quick chat with Bungle and Zippy, and then went off to cheer ourselves up by visiting Bungle’s Rastafarian friend.

It was announced this morning that popular web site ‘Drink From The Furry Cup’ has been bought by the BBC.

The site was bought by the BBC for the extraordinary undisclosed price of one KitKat and half a Curly-Wurly and what was described as A once in a life-time opportunity for the editors to avoid getting their knee-caps broken.

The site has on many occasions made allegations that the BBC is actually some sort of Orwellian institution designed to hide the truth about certain government policies. DFTFC can now state, without being forced in any way by our new employers that this is totally false. The BBC is an impartially broadcasting company that is know way associated with or controlled by the none-existent Ministry of Truth. We have also never inserted subliminal messages into our stories.

You will however be glad to here that DFTFC will be continuing in the same manor as it always has. I the forthcoming weeks you can look forward to such exciting stories as ‘Army General in CENSORED scandal’ and Noel Edmonds and his CENSORED obsession. We shall also be bring our new feature CENSORED CAM which shall be showing live updates of the CENSORED in the CENSORED. We are also no longer allowed to mention the fact that Peter Mandelson is gay.

We shall also be bringing a worldwide exclusive about the director general of the BBC with the CENSORED and the CENSORED with the CENSORED on the CENSORED with a Llama.

Also we shall have our new editor Mr CENSORED. Mr CENSORED was a former CENSORED at the BBC and shall hopefully be contributing more intriguing stories to the site.

All this and the CENSORED on CENSORED shall CENSORED CENSORED eventually lead to CENSORED. Soon CENSOREDCENSOREDCENSOREDCENSORED until CENSORED apricots. Elephants CENSORED CENSORED who CENSOREDCENSOREDCENSORED.

Rumour that this may just all be an April Fools joke have been CENSORED.

A special report from our Wales correspondent Dai Laffin

As the Formula 1 circus flies into Wales for the next round of the Grand Prix at Machynlleth Raceway, our Wales correspondent, Dai Laffin, managed to get an interview with F1 supremo, Bernie Ecclestone. As many of our readers will be aware, there have been allegations that watching fast cars on TV makes drivers want to go out and use public roads as racetracks. What follows are the factors that Mr Ecclestone claims F1’s governing body will be introducing from next year to prevent such events from happening.

Speed all cars will be limited to a maximum speed of 60mph, this will be achieved by reducing the engine size to 700cc and fitting speed limiters. All the tracks will also have police radar traps at strategic positions around the circuit. This will have the double advantage of discouraging speeding and giving the police more practice at catching drivers. Any driver caught speeding will be stopped on the track, given a ticket and have a championship point deducted.

Fuel to be more environmentally friendly, all cars will have to use standard unleaded petrol and for safety reasons refuelling will be done by the driver himself, all the teams will be paying standard fuel prices like the rest of us.

Rest Breaks as a result of the cars going slower, the race will take much longer. The FIA have decreed that drivers must take a meal break every 3 hours. So as not to interrupt the flow of the race, a drive-in McDonalds will be built at each track for the exclusive use of the drivers when racing.

Passengers as a means of injecting more money into the sport, because Mr Ecclestone doesn’t have enough already, cars will be carrying up to 3 passengers who may be picked up at specified positions around the track. In fact the team owned by British American Tobacco, BAR, proposed that the cars could be made as a double decker, this would allow them to not only have more passengers but also give them more advertising space for their cigarettes. This idea has been thrown out on the grounds that they would be driving a bus, and this breaks the FIA rules about seat belts.

After the interview our correspondent went snooping around the Ferrari garage when he saw was he believes to be next years F1 race car.

Ferrari 2001 F1 car

Last night the world was sent into shock by the news that Big Bird, yellow star of Sesame Street has been missing for the last three days. Furthermore, an employee of the “Children’s Television Workshop” (CTW), was dismissed after claiming that Big Bird had in fact been EATEN by his fellow cast members.

Big Bird, who has appeared in the hit show since it began in 1969 was last seen on Saturday morning filming remounts with the Snuffle-Uphagus for the current production block of 26 new Sesame Street episodes. When rumours of Big Bird’s disappearance began to circulate yesterday lunchtime, CTW made a statement claiming that Big Bird had taken “an extended leave” from the show. Mere hours later, production assistant Bill Spencer sent a fax to DFTFC’s associate Dougie B. The fax Dougie received contained a brief statement and a shocking picture sketched by Spencer of what he claims to have witnessed. The statement read “Big Bird is not on leave. He will not be coming back. He was killed and eaten on Saturday night.” The picture on the fax is reproduced below (and has been coloured in for your continued enjoyment):

Following this horrifying sketch, was a suggested explanation of events by Spencer. It seems that after 30 years of Big Bird camping it up on the Street, there was so much of him in CTW’s extensive video archives, that they could get away with using old footage for the Big Bird segments and save money on shooting new ones. The fax ended with the words: “of course, It was all Bert’s idea… may God have mercy on his soul.” It has been widely assumed that Bert is the real boss of CTW. One ex-employee referred to Bert as a “real nasty piece of work”. Spencer was dismissed by CTW later that afternoon.

Dougie B went to confront the six characters in Spencer’s illustration.

‘Bert’, smoking a Cuban cigar and with ‘Ernie’ in hand declined to comment. The pair then disappeared in a black Sedan. When approached by Dougie B, the ‘Count’ turned into a bat and flew off, while ‘Oscar the Grouch’ told our man to “f☣☣☣ off” before locking himself in his trashcan.

Dougie B did however manage to get something out of ‘Elmo’: “Big Bird gone! Big Bird gone away for real long time! Big Bird happy! Elmo happy too! Play with Elmo! Be Elmo’s friend!” Dougie B having been trained well by DFTFC saw straight through this subterfuge and gave ‘Elmo’ a good kicking.

‘Cookie Monster’ proved difficult to find, but if the case comes to trial, he looks likely to face a lesser charge, as we all know he never actually eats anything, he just pushes things at his face and the bits go flying everywhere.

During yesterday evening the Royal Shakespeare Company of Stratford upon Avon, famous for producing the finest plays outside the West End, put on the first night of their new production. The world famous Company has been known on many occasions to perform plays other than Shakespeare’s finest, but this is a brand new venture altogether. Nigel Harrowman, president of the RSC explains: “We at the Royal Shakespeare Company have decided that doing classical plays is all well and good but its not always what the general public want to see. Surveys have been carried out that prove that the most popular plays are not Shakespeare’s or Webber’s butpantomimes.”

We asked George Manering about the production he is directing. “After a lot of deliberation we settled on the famous story of Jack and The Beanstalk. I have always had a love and passion for that play and feel very privileged to direct it.” The cast has taken warmly to it and has really enjoyed getting into the roles. I feel in some way it has been a challenge but anything like this will get the public to come into the theatre.”

The decision for the RSC to put on Jack and The Beanstalk came in November when the idea for a pantomime was formed. However it has taken four months to finalise the production. I asked Phillip Arnold who plays Rear of Cow why its taken so long. “You get a certain pedigree of actor at the Royal Shakespeare Company,” explains the cows arse. “The actors, production staff and technicians have all been through the Academy so they don’t do things by halves. I had to research my role thoroughly, I spent lots of time with the rear end of cows to help myself to understand their complex lives, and I also needed to get used to having my head between Michaels legs. Ha, ha, ha!” We can only hope Michael is playing the head of the cow.

The very realistic RSC costumes

DFTFC managed to get seats at the first night and I got the privilege to review it. As for the performance, I cant help but thinking it was a little over acted for a panto. The poor lovies couldn’t help being all lovie about it. I mean the original script (!) was re-written into iambic-pentameter, the songs were taken out (no “theres a hole in my bucket”!), all the school kids had to sit up in the upper circle and Jack was played by a man!?! When I shouted “OH NO IT ISNT!!” in a vain attempt to encourage some audience participation I only managed in getting myself thrown out for being rowdy and ruining the actors idiom. Im sorry but panto just doesn’t work without the wonderful Michaela Strachan, some crappy impressionists and whichever one of the Chuckle Brothers isn’t dead yet.

Michaela Strachen

Here is an exclusive excerpt from the play:

Jack:

To climb, or not to climb: that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of my angry mother,
Or to take ascend this beanstalk of troubles,
And by opposing please her? To fall: to be poor:
No more; and by a fall to say we end.

However if you want to see a bunch of over paid fools who think they are better than Keith and Orville at Brighton Pier, then this is the show for you.

‘Jack And The Beanstalk’ by the RSC is playing in Stratford until the end of the summer.

At a press conference earlier today Professor Hienz Von Wolfcastle made an announcement that could change all of our lives forever. He revealed that he has invented a Lager that contains all of the vitamins and minerals that are necessary for an adult to live on, meaning that theatrically you could live off the drink alone.

beer - ummmm

The drink currently known only by its secret code, LagerTHX1138, will quite possibly change eating habits all around the world. As Professor Von Wolfcastle explained at the press conference “The average adult will only need to consume ten pints a day to receive his complete dose daily of vitamins and minerals in quantities recommended by the World Health Organisation. This means that in theory you can live indefinitely of the beer alone with out having to take any supplementary food or drink.” The Professor continued “this means that we will be able to take the beverage to some of the most famine ravished areas of the world and help to wipe out world wide hunger.”

Professor Von Wolfcastle explained that the drink will look exactly the same as a normal pint of lager, providing that it is viewed under ultra-violet light, it will taste just like watered down cats piss (apparently). “But who can ever taste anything after two pints anyway” explained the Professor. “You’ll just have to bear it for the first two and then you’ll have nothing to worry about. Just imagine your drinking Kronenburg 1664” he continued.

The Lager will have a 4.2% alcohol by volume content. A journalist from the Guardian has tried to imply that anyone who lives of this lager will be drunk all the time and will turn into an alcoholic. Professor Von Wolfcastle pointed out to us that being drunk would not necessarily be a bad thing, giving the following example as proof.

He also replied that saying that such people were alcoholics was an insult and “they are only drinking to provide themselves with nutrients. Its like calling people who drink water every day hydroholics”.

The Professor then went on to a long explanation of the development and testing procedure that had been done on the drink. DFTFC however found all that sort of stuff very dull and we dosed off in the middle of it. We did however pick up that in the entire animal and human testing there had only been one fatality. The dead man whose name is Robert Polsen foolishly drank eleven pints rather than ten, thereby exceeding the recommended daily dose.

LagerTHX1138 is expected to be available from August this year. However it will only be available at the slightly inflated price 65 (about $100) per pint. However it is predicted that as the drink becomes more popular its price will begin to drop. In addition the base ingredients (Dioxin, Anthrax, Plutonium) become cheaper when produced in large quantities, production plants are expected to be set up in Iran and Iraq to help produce these key ingredients. There will also be special discounts for students, who are expected to be the drinks major consumers.

Well everyone here at DFTFC is convinced that this product is going to be a huge success. In fact were all going down the pub to drink ten pints of normal Lager to get in some practice for when the real stuff comes out. Cheers.