Drink from the
furry cup

The DFTFC office is looking very festive at the moment, in the run up to the celebrations for World Binary weekend, happening not unsurprisingly on 10.11.01 and 11.11.01. So as the world gears up for this festive season DFTFC take a look at some of the upcoming planned activities.

Fast food chain McDonalds have decided to price all their products in Binary for the day, thus putting the price of a Cheese Burger to 11001111 pence. they have also planned a new series of “Happy Meals” based on two exciting binary characters, 0 and 1.

gosh children they do look exciting... don't they!

Binary day is receiving strong Government support too with the British Government pledging to deliver this year’s budget report totally in Binary, we asked minister Gordon Brown why he had decided to do this:

“Well I’m personally hoping that by delivering the entire budget in binary I can confuse the general public into believing that I’m lowering taxes, and reducing fuel prices”. Well at least he honest. British schools are also joining in the fun of binary learning. We spoke to Sue Nortwest, a primary school teacher: “We’re following Government guidelines and dedicating the entire Numeracy hour for the next month to binary learning, the children are very keen and we see counting in binary as vital to their futures as l33t hacker types.”

err exactly.

Pop superstar Britney Spear is rumoured to be releasing a new single for the day titled “Bit me baby 0101 more times” sales are expected to reach 10011000100101101000000 by the end of the week.

Britney Spear's launching her new album

There will also be several special sporting events happening. Special games of darts will held using specially modified board. Also a series of pokergames will be held using decks consisting of only aces and tens.

With all the fun and games planned everyone at the DFTFC offices is truly in a good mood, which makes a change! Even Spunk Monkey smiled yesterday as we put a giant inflatable sign on the front of the building saying

01000111011011110010000001100110011011110111 00100010000001100001001000000110010001110010 01101001011011100110101100100001

• very witty I think you’ll agree :)

No just for a laugh and to fit in with the mood of the piece here is the entire story encoded in Binary… enjoy

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I think you’ll agree it reads even better that way!

Record producer Pete Waterman today introduced the newest pop group hoping to capture the hearts and pocket money of the nations hollow-headed youngsters.

According to Waterman, the idea behind the new act is a new spin on a tested formula:

“These boy and girl bands brought to fame over the last ten years or so have owed much of their success to the fact that image-wise, they tend to have multiple focal points. The days of real bands with proper musicians and a single charismatic frontman are well and truly over. Musical talent counts for nothing - the only proper bands whichsurvive tend to feature freak guitar players with silly names.”

So what is so revolutionary about this new act you may ask, we asked Waterman to elaborate:

“It was blindingly obvious that the success of Take That was that all the young girls had four different blokes to fancy - or five if you counted the ugly bastard that you could actually hear, whatever his name was.”

“The Spice Girls, scrubbers though they are, did the same for 12 year old boys, gay men and professional footballers. Then the men behind Sclub7 had the brilliant idea of getting girls and boys into the same group in an effort to double the potential fan base.”

Of course, 4 girls and 3 guys together have not generated double the RPS (revenue per single) of either of the aforementioned [groups]. They have done reasonably well - as the plummeting sales of substitute goods such as gobstoppers or the Beano have shown - but our marketing executives discovered that there were plenty of kids around who didn’t have an irrational crush on any of the pretty faces in Sclub7. Not even that lovely dark boy.

“And so we at PWL have taken the idea to the ultimate level: SCrub69 features thirty-four great looking guys and thirty-two girls, all aged between 16 and 73; the thinking being that there is someone there for everybody to fancy. Ergo - our entire target audience will become fans of the [group]. Oh yes, not wanting to alienate any weirdo minorities theres also a hermaphrodite, a dog and a donkey. And two members, Paul Renner and Melody Harris are both recently deceased, so necrophiliacs are catered for too.”

Some members of Sclub69 pose for a publicity shot

“Obviously given the three-and-a-half-minute song nature of the bubblegum pop industry, it has been difficult to feature each member of the [group] individually, but they all get to sing at least a quarter of a line each (a minimum of two words). The BBC promo version of LouReeds Perfect Day showed it could be done, we are just taking it one step further.”

Although the group have only recorded two songs together, the forthcoming single,

Sure and Pimple and a cover of the Suzi Quatro classic Can the Can, there have already been accusations that all the vocals were provided by a faceless bunch of bald ponytailed middle aged men from Staffordshire.

A video showing the vocals supposedly being laid down by the group in numerous studio sessions was shown to the press, and certainly appeared to show obvious miming to a backing track. Somewhat surprisingly, Paul and Melody’s miming skills were not as bad as some of the other members, and Bingo the dog was surely not really singing the first half of the line “I’ll be there for you darling” as was implied by the footage.

Pete Waterman says “all these allegations are totally and utterly [not true]. The music speaks for itself and were confident that SCrub69 will become the next big thing.”

The press were then introduced to Dean, Jenny, Mark, Olly, Wayne, Kim, Elly, Andreas, Rob, Kelly, Nige, Shelley, Dave, Kate, Bryan, Olivia, Mikey, Eddie, Lizzie, Tasmin, Terri, Ashley, Gail, Gerry, Debbie, Sarah, Dougie, Francesca, Phil, Melody, Bill, Rhiannon, Phoebe, Bobby, Garry, Claire, Dez, Marco, Erica, Nick, Sara, Darius, Emma, Helena, Riccardo, Rory, Margot, Annie, Karen, Doris, Glen, Kayleigh, Sean, Raymond, Helen, Lisa, Allan, Steve, Sally, Paul, Lily, Andy, Mark, Bingo, Tony, Maggie, Rick, Lesley and Hamill the donkey, who mimed (obviously) to a live backing track of their single before a rather predictable round of questions which we have just read about in the early editions.

It turns out that aside from a quick game of spot the corpse the Q&A was fairly routine stuff, and frankly not worth documenting here. Apparently Lily and Nick were wrongly identified as the dead members by the man from ‘the Sun’ who was shocked when they managed to answer his question “does imminent fame affect your attitude to being dead?” As for the dead pair themselves, they had nothing to say on the matter. So said the tabloids anyway. Obviously we had left during the song ‘performance’, as it was utterly atrocious. DFTFC predict they will be a bit hit with the youngsters of Britain and indeed the world.

The week before last whilst in Las Vegas I had the opportunity to see Planet of the Monkeys Apes on opening night. Well this being the Eye Candy section I thought I’d best do a bitch review of the thing, besides our UK readers won’t have seen the film yet - I promise not to spoil the rather obvious story :)

Well our story starts with some wizzy title graphics and then plunges us straight into deep space, err somewhere. Our hero (Wahlburg) works here with monkeys. Then in true Star Trek Voyager style a spatial anomaly pops up on the horizon, Wahlburg wants to rush off into the pretty swirling colours, but instead they send a monkey. Sure enough Wahlburg unable to let a monkey be the star of this movie hops in a ship to follow him. Que the crash on the “Planet of the Apes!”…

Okay so Wahlburg wanders around looking lost for most of the movie, which is probably what most of us would do if we ended up on a planet ruled by monkeys who bear a striking resemblance to Helena Bonham Carter. Needless to say Wahlburg leads the escape of the Human slaves and they end up at the place where it all started for a big battle, a bit of ape love and a quick bit of science come religion. Like I said I’ll try not to spoil the story, but I will say that right at the end the chaps in the row behind us in the flicks (that’s the theatre/cinema if you don’t speak ChilliBear ) said “I bet it’s a horse” which cracked us up - okay I know you had to be there, but if you think “I bet it’s a horse” right at the end when Wahlburg is doing his wandering up the steps you might get the joke.

So what is the movie like from a technical point of view… Well the props and costumes/makeup are great (loved the Ape army tents), the movie does have a good realistic feel to it, however Ape city does just seem to be slapped down in the middle of nowhere. The different Apes are great, each has their own character and you can actually see the emotions on their faces (one up on Wahlburg then g). The orang-utan slave master is absolutely great - true comic genius. The Apes are a lot more monkey like than in the original they’re hanging off walls, running on all fours and bouncing of just about everything in the case of Thade (Tim Roth).

Charlton Heston has his little cameo playing a damn dirty ape - general Thade’s father. A nice touch and the film in general has lots of little references to the earlier movies, looking for them passes the time :)

Okay so did I like it? I would have to say yes. I enjoyed the film - no I didn’t think it was a great film, its a good action movie not a great deal more. The story is good, but the execution of that story leaves it a bit flat - it looks rather like they had all the right ingredients, but the cake just didn’t rise. Will I see it a second time (normally my test of a good film) - well I’m not going to go out of my way to see it again, but I wont object if I go again with other friends. Is the movie another Tim Burton classic - no. Actually I don’t think you would know it was a Tim Burton movie (apart from the very end of the film), it has hardly a touch of his normal comic book style fantasy gothic flavour to it - something I had hoped would make this film sufficiently different from the originals to make it stand completely on it’s own.

Anyway I’ve probably had enough of a bitch now, so I’ll leave things there. A final note for those of you who want to read the original novel, it was La Planete des Singes, a novel by Pierre Boulle.

It can be exclusively revealed today, in the wake of Father’s day, that Sean the Irish Bastard is set to have a little bastard of his own.

The poor unfortunate girl involved in this development, who cannot be named for reasons of embarrassment, is said to be in good health (at least physically). Of course there are no plans for marriage. As Sean explains: “how could we? This child will be a real Bastard - that is the most important thing here, right?”

The reasons behind these shocking events appear to be uncertain, but rumour has it that Sean was rather frustrated after losing out in an eBay bidding war for a newborn Canadian baby. “I just couldn’t stretch to the full tenner that the other bidder was prepared to stump up” he is said to have exasperated at the time.

At the time of writing, the pregnancy is into week 10, and the estimated date of delivery is January 10th 2002. Any further developments will be documented exclusively and extensively here on DFTFC, and in a world’s first, we hope to have WombCam™ up and running within a month.

The much loved house hold name Tipp-ex may soon disappear from our shelves as drastic declines in sales means the company is losing too much money to continue. Experts have put the diminished profits of the white fluid down to the increasing use of the paperless office.

The Tipp-ex company was established in 1918 when a trader called Robert Black decided to sell small bottles of white paint with his typewriters. These small bottles of white paint, originally and unsuccessfully called “Black’s correction paint” only later to be abbreviated to Tipp-ex, soon became Mr. Black’s only trade until his death in 1941. Robert Blacks grandson Mathew now internationally runs the company.

DFTFC spoke to Matt Black about what had happened to Tipp-ex: “Tipp-ex, like many products, has always thrived on human error” explains Mr. Black. “It all started after the First World War when having to retype something on a typewriter was too costly so it was more effective to block out mistakes and type over them again. My grandfather was first to really home the recipe for this kind of correction fluid and that’s why we are the multi-national company we have become. However, in the last nine months there has been a real growth in the use of the paperless offices. With all these computers with grammar and spelling checkers it was getting difficult to find a good honest mistake to use Tipp-ex for and now even thats gone because of all this e-mail and Internet rubbish. Documents being stored on computers and then posted down phone lines, how ridiculous is that! Our profits have plummeted, we haven’t enough money to carry on, not that anyone is going to buy it anyway. We are going the way of the slide rule!”

Due to the loss of use of products like Tipp-ex as well as Pritt Stick, photocopiers and printers many offices are bereft of those distinctive office smells. Glades, producers of household air fresheners, are marketing their new range of fragrances at the paperless office. Once again the refreshing smell of solvents or hot toning fluid can fill your office. Clark Brynn describes the range: “It is well known and it has been proven by experts that the constant smell of solvents relaxes office workers and inevitably makes them work better. All Glade have done is to bottle that smell in a refreshing, long lasting form because people just can’t do without the whiff of hot ink or glue.” And we at DFTFC couldn’t agree more.

Physicists at the National Physics Laboratory in Twickenham, South-West London have succeeded in exceeding the speed of light. In what must be the biggest scientific breakthrough since the eight-track, the four man research team has neatly sidestepped Einstein’s theory of relativity and accelerated incident particles (hydrogen atoms) to speeds of above 3x10^8 m/s.

A fission-based cyclotron is augmented with a negative quark destabiliser, and the environment is given a pseudo-ambient temperature of absolute zero. Then a sole occupant hydrogen atom is heated to an actual temperature of over 10,000K within the pseudo-environment whilst it is subjected to a computer controlled tachyon polariser. This results in the passive acceleration of the hydrogen atom, which, when the polarity of the neutron flow is reversed gives an induced velocity of above light speed.

Team leader, Dr. Gustave Ravel was keen to explain to us the implications of this amazing breakthrough: “Basically we have achieved the super-acceleration of our incident particle by fooling it into thinking it is travelling much slower than it actually is”. From this we can only conclude that its ok to bend the laws of physics providing these laws don’t actually know they’re being broken. It’s also quite worrying that Dr. Ravel thinks that an atom has the power of thought in the first place.

Dr. Gustave Ravel

“Unfortunately we are still limited to working on an atomic scale.” he added, “Our experiments show that to work with a larger subject requires an exponential increase in energy.”

He went on to show us some sums that he had done earlier, which covered several sheets of A4. The conclusion drawn was basically that in order to accelerate something the size of, say, a small hamster would require approximately the same amount of energy used to power the whole of Wales for one year. Ravel’s colleague Dr Piers de Lavison added that the government had turned down the NPL’s request that Wales be ‘turned off for a year’, and also that the NPL had rejected their subsequent offer of ‘the Isle of Man for a couple of months” as most of the people who live theredon’t use electricity, and those that do are called Nigel Mansell.

We then asked the team if this meant that time travel was now possible, as all science fiction reckons that Einstein’s law of relativity and the light barrier are the only things in the way of it. Dr. Ravel said we should ask his father, an executive on the project, who had initially suggested some of the scientific processes involved.

Ravel Sr.

The old man introduced himself as “Professor ah, Justin Ravel”. When we asked him about his contributions, he said “they weren’t strictly all my ideas, I had a little help from a very close friend of mine.” Naturally we probed him further (although Spunk Monkey’s anal probe had been confiscated at the front gate), and asked him about the possibility of time travel, but all he added was “ask me in 20 years time”. We told him that we would do so if he were still around. He seemed to find this much funnier than he should have. Doing that funny old-man-laughing-into-his-beard thing, he refused to answer any more of our questions. The only thing left to do was to go down the pub with Dr. de Lavison, who turned out to be quite a wag.