Scientists of the University of Bournemouth have discovered what could be a major scientific breakthrough on the way to finding a cure for cancer. The scientists made a study of men over the age of 85 with no history of any form of cancer to find out how they avoided the disease. The study showed that the best way to prevent cancer is by whistling.

Robert Stemmons

The scientists discovered that all cancerous cells are hyper sensitive to high pitch noises. The test proved that 97% of the old men in the study whistled on a regular basis and the other 3% were just hearing ‘feedback’ from their faulty hearing aids.

We went to speak to one of the experts, Dr John Norton.

DFTFC: Dr Norton, could you tell us how you discovered this amazing new treatment?

Dr John Norton: My colleagues and I looked for many years to find what was the common feature with the Granddads we tested. We looked at health, diet, daily routine, everything but came up with no obvious similarities. We were about to give up when, one day, our secretary, Frances, noticed that when sitting in the waiting room nearly all of the men would whistle.

At this point we were desperate so from that day we monitored all the noise around the test subjects. We recorded some of the whistling and played it back to some cancerous cells and discovered that it had a numbing affect on them. From our experiments we have concluded that if these cells are exposed to annoying high pitched noise for at least two hours a day then the cancer cell is permanently numbed and the cancer can not grow.

DFTFC: Thank you Dr Norton and are you sure your not that doctor bloke from Star Trek?

Dr John Norton: Err… No of course not, I err just wear this uniform to look the part at work.

Although this is great news for preventing the spread of cancer without radiation therapy, even the Bournemouth scientists are a long way from finding a cure.

It would seem that doctors and pharmacists are sticking with the current trend of hippie alternative medicines, convincing the patients that the mind is better than the drugs. DFTFC put this to the test. We took an ordinary member of the public a Mr Tony Chair and trained him to block out pain, even when we stabbed him in the leg with a rusty iron lawnmower blade. The experiment was a success, Mr Chair felt little pain and unfortunately, without any attention his leg went gangrenous and had to be amputated. Fortunately he signed sufficient documents so he can’t sue us.

DFTFC will continue to wait for some pharmacist somewhere to invent a drug that will make us intelligent and witty, in the mean time we’ll stick to the animal nitrate.