In a controversial move this morning the Pope announced that as of this year, the date of Christmas will be moved forward from the traditional date of December 25th to December 18th.

The Pope: drunk again.

Cardinal Joshua Elgars explained the reason for this change to us “The Pope received a message directly from Christ our Saviour saying that he’s absolutely sick to death on having his birthday on the same day asChristmas. “

It is well known that the church has been concerned about this for a long time. It seems that is in recent years that with all the excitement of the presents, turkeys and Queens speeches that are associated with Christmas a lot of people seem to have been completely forgetting to go to church to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. “Its very understandable” Elgars told us “We all get a little excited on Christmas day I can see how it is very easy for some people to completely forget to go to Church.”

It turns out though that people not singing Happy Birthday is not entirely the motivation for Christ’s announcement. “It all comes down to presents” Jesus explained to us. “When your birthday is on Christmas people only buy you one present a year and some people are so cheap these days. Some people like Gabriel are all right but that Saint Peter is such a cheap bastard. If he doesn’t get me something decent this year Im going to shove that gate up his arse.”

Jesus: really pissed off this time.

We asked Jesus why he felt he shouldn’t have his birthday on Christmas when everyone born on December 18th now will. “Well I don’t remember any of them dying for all mankind’s sins” He pointed out. “I thinkyou lot owe me this at least”.

The effects of moving Christmas forwards is suspected to have wide reaching consequences. Mainly that shops will have to start stocking Christmas decorations from the middle of August now rather than just December as before.

Mrs Joyce Martins of Swindon told us her views of the change, “I think its terrible news. This means I have a week less to do my Christmas shopping in and its April already. Ill never get it done in time.”

The church is already preparing for what it expects to be record attendances. “This should be a great year” said Cardinal Elgars “I mean what reason do people have for not going now”.