The ever-vigilant UK Ministry of Defence has come up with a new plan to prevent a repeat of the 1066 Norman invasion. In was 935 years ago that William the Conquer led the invasion which caused all the battle of Hastings type shenanigans and the knitting of a very large tapestry. In the mean time, despite being part of France now, we can only presume that the Normans have been thinking up all sorts of devious plans to re-invade. Whilst ignoring nine centuries of Anglo-French squabbling this is what we at DFTFC believe anyway and in our ‘Exhaustive Search for the Truth’ DFTFC 2001, we set out to prove our drunken theory.

The ‘Exhaustive Search for the Truth’ DFTFC 2001, started in the pub as usual. After checking numerous pints of larger to see if the answer was at the bottom of the glass we were lucky enough to bump into our first potential source. General Sir Wilberforce Cecil Montgomery Oberloncervich is an official big nob in the Ministry of Defence with traditional Handle bar moustache. After warming him up with several bottles of Scotch he was prepared to reveal just about anything.

It seems the problem of a Norman invasion has been troubling the MoD for some time now and it is only recently with the Foot and Mouth epidemic in this country that the answer has come clear. A series of large catapults are to be constructed along the coast near to Dover. Sheep that are infected with the virus will be catapulted in the direction of Normandy. The sheep will have a small explosive devise attached to them. When the sheep is travelling above Normandy the explosive devise will detonate causing the sheep to be sprayed over the largest area possible. The resulting spread of the Foot and Mouth virus over French farmland will annoy the farmers who will start to blockade everything, just as they always do when anything upsets them. The blockades will bring the area to a standstill making any Norman invasion impossible and our counter invasion all the easier.

sheep being loaded onto a catapult ready for launch...

I think you’ll agree that this is a plan which tactical brilliance is matched only by it’s drunken absurdity. It should also be pointed out that the sheep would suffer the minimum of discomfort in the process and would quite possible enjoy the view whilst it is flying through the air.

Before passing out the General also told us of several Ministers who enjoy wearing women’s underwear. We will be bringing these names to you shortly if any of the blackmail cheques don’t arrive