Yesterday afternoon DFTFC was offered an exclusive interview with Jedi Master Yoda. Yoda came to us because as he put it “You guys interview fairly Jedi - lie not in my name, hmm???”

Yoda, 978, has been living on Earth since the late-seventies when he was hired to play himself in “The Empire Strikes Back”, the second film in George Lucas’ mammoth reworking of the true epic chronicles of the Jedi. He was scandalised in 1992 when pictures of him in coitus with young sheep called Thomas had been published in leading newspapers and the Guardian. The picture has always been claimed by LucasArts, who have made four films in the series to date, to have been a clever forgery. However, yesterday Yoda himself made the situation quite clear: “Had the sheep did I. Most regrettable it was. No work for many years had there been, needed an escape did I - trapped Iwas.”

Yoda also admitted to a drink problem at around the same time: “Much booze I had, much headaches… pissed as a fart I was”. It all paints a sad picture for such an icon of the screen. “Then went into rehab did I. Then special editions. Clever bastard is George. Special editions lead to revenue, revenue leads to cash, cash leads to spending”. It seems Yoda’s excessive spending was more or less under control for a while, but after completing work on the recent prequel “The Phantom Menace” it seems things got out of hand: “went to strange clubs did I. Many drugs did I, many orgies and whippings had I hmm???” He then handed us the following picture, taken at a seedy club in Pittsburgh last July…

“George found me there, thinking, in the shit I was. Rescued me he did, from the dark side. Now back in rehab am I. Out soon should I be, work on new film, hmm?” We pressed Yoda to tell us more about the new film: “Wait you must - or bribe, or there is no tell”. We took offence at this and kicked him out of the office.