Like most people we were expecting to wake up this morning to the chilly blasts of a descending nuclear winter. However everyone was surprised to find that despite expectations US President George W Bush has managed to complete his first twenty-four hours in power without declaring war on anyone. Well except for Tabs the White House cat and that ended after Tabs finally surrendered to Bush’s slipper and submitted to US imposed sanctions.

citizens have been preparing for nuclear winter since the recounts.

We spoke to our secret White House insider, security guard Dwain Thomas to find out what was going on. “Well did have a bit of a scare before lunch when the President decided to invade Idaho. However once we explained to him that Idaho was already part of the USA he eventually backed down.”

In an attempt to stretch this article out into more Bush bashing (no not that sort of bush) we decided to take a look at some of George W Bush’s better known polices. Mr Bush is well known for his support for a new Star Wars ICBM defence screen for the US, however because George Lucas has threatened to sue the US government they seem to have backed down. After briefly contemplating calling it the ‘Battlestar Galactica Defence System’ or the ‘Fireball XL5 Defence System’ they eventually went for the more catchy “National Missile Defence System”. Mr Bush is yet to comment on the impact he sees this plan having on the rest of the world (that would be those other bits that are outside the USA), although DFTFC have prepared this illustration that we think sums up the matter fairly neatly.

The glorious future of the Anglo-American relationship.

A slightly less radical plan that Mr Bush has proposed after being in power for a mere twelve hours was revealed to us by Defence Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld.

“Well you see Mr Bush has just revealed his plans to me about draining the world’s oceans to increase the speed of ground troop deployment. I think it’s a well thought out approach to the problems we face using Ocean going troop ships. I’m sure we won’t have any problems disposing of the water, I mean the Oceans can not be that big, we’ll just empty them down the drain.”

The world continues to wait for the inevitable moment when Mr Bush wanders into the office one morning and says, “hmmm, I hadn’t noticed this little button labelled ‘nuke’ before - wonder what that does…“ We will leave you with this thought from Mr bush.

“When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were… It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they’rethere.”