The UK Government has recently been accused of planning to privatise the Trident submarine forces - Britain’s nuclear deterrent. DFTFC decided to explore the effects this will have…

Firstly it has been revealed that the privatisation will be done in order to introduce a degree of competition into the UK nuclear arsenal. In effect this will allow foreign invaders to choose who will be their nuclear deterrent provider. Much as UK consumers can currently make choices over who supplies their electricity and gas so to will those countries thinking of invading the UK beable to choose their nuclear deterrent provider.

They can make this choice based on their individual needs as attackers. Factors such as the “response time” of the companies, or the number of ICBMs they have at their disposal can be taken into account. This will for the first time really give the enemies of the UK a chance to go to war on their own terms.

Another key aspect of the privatisation is corporate sponsorship. The Government envisage selling prime advertising space on the sides of UK Trident submarines, David Bens, MP had this to say “We can see a mass market for this high profile advertising space, we see it as a specifically targeted medium which can be tailored to the customers needs”. DFTFC did enquire quite who will see this advertising when the submarines are 20,00 leagues under the sea, apart obviously from passing cod, but the Government spokesperson started mumbling and we didn’t catch their answer…

DFTFC has learned that there are three chief bidders in this sell off. The first is the well-known media mogul Rupert Murdoch.

Murdoch claims that the combination of his media marketing skills and high moral standards will make him the perfect candidate for taking control of a fleet of nuclear submarines. There has also been a keen bid from the Luxembourg Government, who after failing to conquer the world earlier this year have been attempting to rebuild their military forces. The final bid came from a mysterious pharmaceuticals company who claim to have had plenty of experience of handling(orange) weapons of mass destruction…