An old woman was admitted to hospital earlier today after suffering from an acute case of indigestion caused by swallowing a dog.

The woman Mrs Eileen Clark, 83 described by friends as an old woman lives on a farm with her son. She swallowed the dog at 9am this morning and was admitted to hospital shortly after. The dog was a Boarder Collie called Shep that had been a family pet for many years.

Shep

We enquired as to why Mrs Clark had eaten the dog. It turned that she swallowed the dog to catch a cat she had eaten earlier. Imagine that, she swallowed a cat. She swallowed the cat to catch the bird. How absurd to swallow a bird. She swallowed the bird to catch the spider, which apparently had wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. Nobody knows why she swallowed the fly, perhaps shell die.

The hospital informed us that the old woman has now made a full recovery. When we managed to talk to her she told us that the dog seemed to have sorted out the cat problem however the dog was still causing her slight indigestion. Her planned remedy to this situation was to swallow a goat and if that didn’t work a cow possibly followed by a horse.

These comment have caused outrage in various hippy animal loving communities. Miss Julie Sparrow of the RSPCA told us I think this old woman’s attitude towards animals is disgraceful. They should not be used to catch other animals whilst inside the body. Has she never heard of indigestion tablets?

Various other people have expressed concerns over the old woman’s actions. Charles Kennedy commented, The old woman does not seem to realise the effect her actions might have on children. If they start swallowing various domestic and farm animals they could do themselves serious damage.

Charles Kennedy perhaps shell die

We at DFTFC think the whole thing is stupid. Why on earth did she swallow a dog? They don’t actually eat cats. And why on earth does she want to eat a goat to catch the dog? Goats don’t eat meat for f☣☣ks sake. Personally I think she is barking (Get it, she ate a dog, barking, mad…its funny, no really…oh bloody sod you then).