It has been revealed this afternoon that Her Majesty the Queen Mother has been declared the official status of “Higher Cybernetic Majesty”. In fact Her Madge is no longer to be regarded by the state as a human being, a consensus that is sure to lead to years oflegal wranglings.

The news broke shortly before 13.10 GMT, when a palace spokesman told a shocked crowd of tens of people that during her hospital stay of 1995 (for her 17th routine hip replacement), the Queen Mum had been declared dead when she admitted to surgeons that her heart had stopped beating in July 1986. The late royal then went for tea and muffins while senior staff at Addenbrooke’s Hospital, Oxford got in touch with a coroner, a QC and a mechanical engineer.

It transpired that the reason that no-one had noticed before was that Her Ma’amness had secretly had an artificial second heart fitted in 1984 (not the film). This early prototype was then replaced in 1992 by the same surgeon, Dr Toby De’Ath who the same year treated the Queen for her “anus horibillis”, and treated Fergie to a slap-up grill for two. Sadly he died in a tragic pogo stick related accident in 1993.

It was further revealed that since the mid-eighties Her Majesty has had approximately 60% of her body replaced by mechanised artificial parts. In fact she is entirely machine from the waist down. This news in turn has sparked furious debate amongst men (and women) of both law and philosophy. A government spokesman told us earlier that “although it’s early days, it looks like we’re going to have to refer to “Her” as “It”, the main reason being the replacement of genitalia with a small brass tap.” It is also to be decided how the law regards cyborgs with respect to census records, status and crime, although the Queen Mother hasn’t been banged up since Princess Anne’s hen night, when she threw a bottle at a policeman before asking if he “wanted some”.